I. When he left, Professor Blood Bath, aka Rob Sanchez, forgot his shoes… So, like, who HASN’T wanted to try to fill his shoes, right?? Since he wasn’t there to do anything about it, I wore the shoes and watched enough Idiocracy (best movie EVER) to eat approximately 2 PB&J sammitches for lunch (remember this, it becomes important in later chapters)… I Head out through the hills to Laguna Beach, where I almost immediately meet a group of people who LIVE on the beach, and, let’s face it… if you’re gonna live outside 4 walls, that’s the way to go…. one of these people is an incredible 76 year old surfer, who’s lived on one beach or another for the past 15 years. He tells me he can teach me how to surf if I come back in the warmer season… okay, so I’m hanging out there, and you see how I was dressed 👇🏽 but, I’ll admit that I didn’t wear the medal on the beach. I’ve got my backpack on me, I’m standing up… and this touristy family walks up, hands me $5, and walks away again. I’m speechless, and so is everyone else until they are long gone…. then, WTF!?!?!!?! All we can guess is that they think I also live on the beach….?!?!?!?!!!????!! EXCUSE me, but I was STYLIN!! We laugh hysterically for awhile, I give the $5 to Agnes, one of the people who lives there, and say good-bye…
II. So, after I left the group, I came across the site of my new dream job. I save people AND I’m the new star of BAYWATCH Blinding White Edition: She’s GOT your Personal Flotation Devices (PFD’s) AND, she glows in the dark like a safety beacon… The water was COLD, y’all! Reminded me of the time I went on “Spring” Break, was one of the few to swim in the Atlantic, and experienced permafrost (well, at least for a month) of the top naughty bits, if ya know what I mean. I did NOT swim this time (and YOU thought I couldn’t learn from past mistakes!)
I played 1:1 Beach volleyball (so i could say i did it on Laguna Beach) with this kid who must have been training for the olympics cuz he was super serious, spiked the ball a lot, and didn’t seem to like it when I took pics for posterity (and Facebook). Dude……BYE! Also, pull ya dam pants up! Maybe start a trend of beach suspenders or something… Next, I ran across this super funny American Avocet, “what’s up, American Avocet? I’m an American too! You’re just gonna fly over that wall, huh? K, cool! Say Hello to your mother for me!!!”
III. I went back to the beach the next day because I had a little unfinished business… I got a pic of the flowering bush where I found THE flower, and one that shows the flower was not a natural part of that bush… I stood on the shore, expressed my gratitude for the past week, said some goodbyes, and released Nadine’s flower into the ocean. There was a lot of food and water left over from Professor Blood Bath’s (aka Rob Sanchez’s) training diet regimen, and I left that with my beach-dwelling friends… in one of the pics, you can see Agnes in the background before her friends came over and they shared a PB&J-plus picnic. You can also see the pigeon (“How ya like me NAAAAOOOOWWWW!?!!”) and the tattoo shop I felt led to the night before… I found out after the fact that the tattoo shop was not in a “good” part of town…. (???) I walked in there, after dark and alone, to get my first tat. It was full of hard-core tattoo artist dudes who all seemed to be of the Latino persuasion… one dude kept calling me “Mami” and giving me all kinds of big-brotherly advice, including, “Aye, Mami! You should not be here at this time of day by yourself…” I asked him if it was because they were afraid of early-middle-aged white chicks, and they thought that was hilarious… I also mentioned that they seemed to have the tightest tattoo art in the area, and was able to hold my own talking about the local hip hop scene (Did you know D.J. Screw and the advent of slow-tempo rap came right outta there??) So, I think I kinda gained their trust and they felt less threatened by me… 😂 Alan Luna, a 24-ish year old kid who grew up in LA, did the actual tat. He had an AMAZING portrait tattoo of a female saint that extended kinda far into his pants… I guess all bets are off when you’re showing off your ink… But he made the point that was, by far, the most painful area he’d ever gotten inked… Nine hours and it’s still not finished… Alan reminded me of a former PSA kid who did the most amazing tattoo art with no formal equipment or training…. I hope he’s kicking ass in a tattoo shop somewhere now.
IV. Sooooooo…. this dude comes up and starts talking to me at the beach…. For some crazy reason, he must be attracted to homeless-looking chicks with backwards hats and matching sunglasses… I’M NOT KIDDING: He is a Turkish Rug Dealer!!! He has gold rings on almost all his fingers, and a Rolex watch with some kind of sleek sweat suit and a thick accent. So, if you don’t already know this about me, I am an insanely CURIOUS person who is easily bored, and these characteristics have gotten me into some trouble at times. Right away, I’m kinda curious about this guy’s game, so I decide to play along for a little while (I know, I know, and I don’t need your lectures… STILL doin it after all this time). So, he starts telling me about these ridiculously amazing Turkish rugs, some of which take 10 YEARS to make!!! He’s showing me pictures… telling me about his travels all over the world, explaining the stages of relationships in his culture (which seem to quickly lead to marriage), and telling me about the “women’s work” of making these frickin rugs!!! Can you IMAGINE?!?!?!!!? I’d keep my focus for about 4 1/2 minutes on one of those dam rugs. Can ya make one in 4 1/2 minutes, player?!?!?! Then, he tells me we can go finish our convo at this restaurant that serves Turkish coffee AND his rugs… okay, cool. Turkish coffee, and I’m not supposed to have my new tattoo in the sun… So, we go to this open deck restaurant area, he talks to his “friend” in the shadows, presumably about making us some Turkish coffee… and then proceeds to kinda block me in the corner of the empty restaurant patio. I sit with my knee jammed into his side so he can’t get too close, repeat that I’m not interested in a relationship OR making dumbass rugs for which he takes 70% of the profits… etc… Try to steer him back to talking about his interesting culture when THIS movie I just made up pops into my head: The coffee comes. I drink it, cuz it’s frickin COFFEE and it’s free. Gradually, the drugs that were put into it start to kick in, and pretty soon, I’m incoherent. Gentlemen that they are, “Richard” and his business associate help me to some place more comfortable. None of the passers by think twice cuz, what sweet men to be helping that poor sick homeless lady… Next thing I know, I’m waking up wrapped in a f’ing Turkish rug with breathing holes surrounded by a bunch of farm animals and their waste on a transport back to Turkey, where, at best i will be one of the wives of a rich Turkish dude making rugs all damn day and herding goats in my free time. At worst, well, you can use your imagination… but slavery crosses my mind…. okay, so I already lied and told this dude that I’m a Black Belt in Jiu Jitsu in the state for a competition, but he does not seem to know what the hell that means OR feel intimidated whatsoever. SO, I jump up in the middle of whatever he’s saying, he jumps up too… I climb up on the restaurant table (my only clear exit) and jump down explaining that I’ve gotta go… “But what about your coffee?!?!?” Nah, I’ve got a pretty damn good life here in the U.S. NOT making f’ing goat wool (?) rugs, so you can live high on the hog, thank you very much! BUT, it was nice meeting you, Richard! Let’s take a quick selfie!!! #Lifegoals #Lifeisgood #thiswasfun #goodluckkidnappingawife
V. So, I was running from the Turkish Slave Cartel… (not REALLY, mom! I just always wanted to start a story that way!!) and I duck into some beach shops to find a souvenir for Aili… I meet Eva, who is running one of the shops and is from Poland. We are the same age, and in the hour and a half we
spend talking, we realize we have a lot in common. When she hears about why I’m in town, she is amazed. Can’t get over the fact that there were just 160 women past (and some well past) the age of 30, HER age, doing what we were doing, paving the way in a “Fighting sport” for future generations. She tells me she’s been desperately looking for “something” to breathe life back into her, that she knows whatever it is, there has to be a mind-body-spirit connection to make the most impact. She had been seriously considering martial arts (someone was talking to her about Tae Kwon Do) but decided she was definitely too old…. until I walked in… I’d already scouted out a few BJJ gyms in the area, so I hooked her up with those, and a bunch of other resources that came up in our convo… you know, like a good social worker 😁 We both wished that I had a little bit longer, because I totally would have gone with her to BJJ class…. Walking through the door that first time, especially alone and female, is maybe around half the initial battle. I’m proud and grateful that I’ve gotten the opportunity to engage in so many battles just like it….. because I’ve learned that, the harder the battle, the greater the reward…. and, sometimes, that reward comes in some really strange packages… But, it’s always, ALWAYS worth it! By this time, I was out of time. I needed to get to the airport and head home. I hugged Eva good-bye and promised to stay in touch… and I started the first leg of my trip back to CO…. somewhat reluctantly. On the way there, I saw this Pink BMW….. just felt like I needed to include that snippet….
VI. A Story in Pictures; Grand Finale Prologue Epilogue, the Beautifully Proportioned Lady is SINGING, y’all:
I started this epic adventure – to the IBJJF PanAmerican Tournament – a little over a month ago, but the push started before that, with a group of Brown Belt Masters’ Women who presented themselves as an entire Division, ready to compete, to the IBJJF. They were denied that day, and in response, a petition was started the last day of December, 2017 to have Women’s Masters Divisions added to regular IBJJF competitions. This push led to the IBJJF (with no time to spare) opening up Masters Divisions 2-7 for the upcoming Pan Tournament in SoCal. I found out that it was actually happening on February 3, when I came across a post from Karen Peters in a fabulous Facebook group called Girls In Gis. She wrote this:
“Calling all Master Women BJJ practitioners. Now is our time!!!
Please register for the Pan Championship!!! It does not matter if you are ready or not, injured or out of shape for competition. We need to show our unity! We need to claim our place on the IBJJF competition mats.”
Somewhere in the instant it took me to read the posts and register that The IBJJF had actually opened up divisions for me, for US, I knew I was going. Signing up felt as though it was an autonomic response, like breathing. And, here’s the thing: I had very quietly and tentatively put BJJ competition on my Alive List (similar concept to some people’s “Bucket List”) but, I’m practically certain that I would not have made the initial leap of faith to compete, EVER, if it hadn’t been for this movement. A few days later, a group specifically for Masters Women competing at Pans showed up on Facebook. At the time of this writing, that group contains 538 members. Almost immediately, I began to meet some of the most amazing, courageous, and determined women I’ve ever met in my life via this social media platform. They were impassioned fighters who were over 35 and, collectively, had overcome every type of life obstacle that could be faced in order to continue practicing our Art of BJJ. It started hitting me: There were others like me out there… And, there was never any question… I would be on the IBJJF competition mats with them. We had less than a month to prepare, and many of us had made a final decision that we were competing regardless of short notice, cost, injury, illness, lack of training, and even fear. In my case, I was going to be competing for the first time ever on a HUGE stage in another state, presumably alone without any of my teammates present.
As the “2018 Pan Master 2-7” Facebook group (go check it out for a play by play of the amazing process that occurred) started quickly gathering steam, I realized that I could not have been more wrong about the “alone” part of my journey. Support started pouring in from all over the country, and beyond. People were offering free travel miles, registration fees, room and board scholarships, the whole 9 yards, to any Masters 2-7 Women who wanted to compete. Women who would be competing with each other were reaching out to their opponents and helping them get what they needed to be on the IBJJF mats. There were offers of coaching for any of us who would be without our own coaches, and veterans of all sorts of BJJ competitions were mentoring the newbies… Two of my personal mentors were Natalie Whitson (a tough as nails Master 5 Seasoned competitor) and Karen Peters (Brown belt Master 5 mother of the Pans Master movement herself). When the reality of the unplanned expenses hit me, I started a Go Fund Me account and raised a good amount in a short time frame… People I had never met before who were committed to the cause sent me donations, right alongside my fantastic long-time mat mates. The whole thing was mind-boggling on a level I’d never experienced before. Here’s part of Karen’s update:
“I’ve been overwhelmed since I tallied up the number of women master 2-7 competitors. I’m not easily moved to tears, but I have been tonight on several occasions. Initially I chalked it up to sleep deprivation, over working, training, etc. But actually I’m just that moved. The gratitude is overwhelming, coupled with complete and utter awe of what we’ve managed to do here. The depth of it is truly amazing. It’s nothing short of a freaking miracle.
After celebrating the victory of the petition Carlos and I wrote panic set in as I realized we only had 26 days to get ourselves organized and registered. My paranoid nature seized on the idea that we were given the divisions so we could loose them to the clock, a convenient way for the IBJJF to say there was insufficient representation or numbers to justify keeping the divisions.”
However, Karen’s understandable worry about being unable to fill the divisions in such a short time proved to be unfounded. In what seemed like no time at all, there were 160 women, from all over the Nation and beyond, signed up to compete in the 2018 Masters 2-7 Pans! Just to give you an idea of the scope we were dealing with, the most recent Masters World Tournament had 120 Women registered in Masters 2-7. The key fight had been won, and all we needed to do was show up and compete! (To Be Continued)
Alyduck Flies Again 